Standards
With the recent acceptance into the Rocky Top Brigade of a Non-Tennesseean and even a Canadian (shocking, no?), I’ve decided that the RTB needs a set of standards. These standards will be based on a point system (similar to the University of Michigan system) and require a potential applicant to obtain a minimum of 100 points:
You actually live in Tennessee. Add 100 points
You actually own a copy of Rocky Top (remixes don’t count) Add 10 points
You actually know of a good single malt Scotch whiskey for around $20. Add 200 (or more, we won’t care) points (note, this must be verified by at least three current members of the RTB)
You’re a Republican, Subtract 10 points
You’re a Democrat, subtract 20 points
You actually have someone in your house right now who answers to either Bubba, Hank, Skeeter, or Ellie Mae. +20 points
You say You Guys instead of Ya’ll, subtract 25 Points
You can, without stopping, do a minimum of five You might be a redneck if . . . jokes. Add 5 points for each one
You live in a Holler, Add 10 points
You think ESPN is guilty of biased journalism, add 50 points
You think Elvis is alive, add 10 points
You’re a law professor at UTK who gets more hits in 30 minutes than SayUncle does in a week, add 1,000 points
You’re a relative of a current or past RTB member, add 20 points
You’re black, add 500 points. Oh, and here’s a scholarship to Michigan.
For each of the following items that you actually have in your home, add 10 points:
Firearm
Liquor that hasn’t been taxed (if you know what I mean)
Anything with the words Tennessee Homecoming 86 on it
Anything that is UT orange
A dog whose breed is Sooner
An identifiable dead animal in your freezer (add 10 more if you actually killed it)
Something from Dollywood
Something from Graceland
A Dremel
I submit the above plan to the RTB for approval.
