There are a few things my loyal readers should know. One of which is that I have a penis. This is not a post about me having a particularly extraordinary penis but a report on how the penis affects thinking and cognition. Penis-bearing beings have several deficiencies but I’m only discussing one of those deficiencies today. Apparently, a penis affects visual capabilities, particularly color recognition. A human being with a penis can only distinguish about eight or so colors, even though according to Windows 2000 there are at least 24 million colors (all of which are distinguishable to entities that do not have penises). More interesting is the fact that the amount of time devoted to the penis is inversely proportionate to the number of colors distinguishable. For example, my pup spends a great deal of his time engaging in the following activities:

Showing his penis to our other dog.
Showing his penis to me and the wife.
Sniffing his penis.
Showing his penis to any strangers that may be near.
Licking his penis.
Pointing his penis in the direction of the Sun.

The result of all this attention to his penis is that he only sees in black and white. My conclusion is not based on any scientific evidence but merely the fact that he seems not at all impressed by my 60 inch color television. A friend of mine used to have a Labrador. This Labrador was not particularly smart as he could do only one trick. The command for this trick was Show me your dude and I’ll let you guess what followed. Later this Labrador was hit by a car and I’m convinced that the reason he was hit by a car was because he was completely blind from showing people his dude all the time (even the neighborhood kids picked up on it).

This past weekend, the wife and I cancelled our vacation (damn SARS!) and decided to spend our time painting the master bedroom and the master bath. I hate painting for two reasons: 1) I don’t enjoy it and 2) I suck at it. If you’re marriage can survive the painting experience, you will enjoy a long life together. If not, one of you will be dead.

Prior to this weekend, our master bedroom was a color called China Doll. Now, every penis-bearing person reading this is thinking China Doll is not a color, it’s an oriental figurine or the name of a porn star. See, China Doll is a very, very light shade of brown or possibly a dark shade of white. There is some debate in the scientific world of color evaluation as to what color it really is. We (and by we, I mean the wife) decided that we needed to change from China Doll to Apple Butter. Again, penis-bearing individuals are thinking that Apple Butter is something you put on biscuits or the name of a porn star. Apple Butter is a slightly darker shade of brown (or possibly white, we’re still not sure) than China Doll.

Also confusing to penis-laden individuals is why there is a need to change one shade of brown (or possibly white) to a slightly different shade of brown (or possibly white). The reason for this is only known to non-penis-laden individuals. After the wife made the first stroke with the roller, I said I can’t see the difference and her response was You’re blind.

This time, the wife and I managed to paint two rooms without getting divorced or killing each other. The last time we painted, we were at each others’ throats the entire time. It got so bad that I pondered whether or not a psychiatrist could convincingly testify in court to the fact that inhalation of paint fumes combined with indistinguishable shades of brown (or possibly white) could cause temporary insanity in particular penis-bearing individuals.

Next up was the bathroom (which was China Doll as well). The new color for the bathroom is Savannah Moss, which again penis-bearing individuals are thinking That’s not a color, that’s a fungus in Georgia or a porn star. Savannah Moss is light shade of green (or possibly white). This time, however, I could distinctly see the difference between Savannah Moss and China Doll.

Next weekend, the wife and I need two new porn stars to do the guest rooms.

Posted in uncategorized on April 28th, 2003 by SayUncle | RSS 2.0 |