Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan today announced that the Federal Rate would be lowered to negative 5%. In response to recent criticism that he was a one trick pony and the fact that he was running out of positive numbers, Greenspan decided that the best way to aid the economy was to totally change the rules since he couldn’t change algebra.

That’ll show those smarmy bastards! said Alan Greenspan, referring to positive numbers.

One effect of this change is that banks now pay you to borrow their money. And you pay the banks interest on your savings account. When asked if he thought that this change would devastate the banking industry and commercial securities market, Greenspan responded by flipping everyone off, downing two shots of Cuervo, and lighting a big fat spliff. He then stated: I haven’t really given it much thought. But surely you understand how powerful I am now!

The other effect of this change is that the stock market is expected to take off like a shot, since you can borrow money (at a profit) and invest it (hopefully at profit). That or your mattress is the best investment, no one is really sure.

In addition to this change, accountants around the world began using imaginary numbers in the computation of annuity payments and bond payment schedules.

What do you mean X² equals negative one! It makes no sense said Bob from accounting, not realizing that math had been made up for a long time. At least, continued Bob we’re still using the decimal system and not binary.

Fuck! said Greenspan I didn’t think of changing the decimal system.

This reporter is off to close all his bank accounts and borrow as much as he can.

Posted in uncategorized on June 27th, 2003 by SayUncle | RSS 2.0 |