Apocalypse Cow

There’s been some blathering in blogworld about these survival kits. You know, the stuff you should have for when the SHTF* or when the lights just go out for a little bit. These discussions point out things like food, water, flashlights, a weapon or two, purifiers, and backup generators. These are all fine and good but there are items more essential to survival than those.

Let’s face it, when Armageddon comes, you’re gonna have a lot down time. It’s not going to always be about running willy-nilly through the land shooting at helicopters, liberating your captured comrades, and sniping at the evil minions. Here’s a list of the ten most important items you should take:

1 – You’ll spend a lot of time sleeping. That’s why you need a comfortable, inflatable mattress and some fine goose-feather pillows. Since you’ll have all this down time, very comfortable sheets and comforters are a must too. If you’re not well-rested, then you won’t be a very effective freedom fighter.

2 – Atomic Fireballs are a must. I don’t mean weaponry. I mean a nicely flavored, long-lasting hard candy. And who doesn’t love hot cinnamon? As a bonus, these can be loaded into a slingshot or your homemade rocket launcher and propelled at squirrels for some good eatin’. In addition to being able to incapacitate a squirrel, it adds a nice cinnamon flavor to the otherwise gamey meat. Jolly Ranchers are OK but they aren’t as aerodynamically suited to be propelled at high velocities and are not recommended for squirrel killin’.

3 – You’ll also need a good cookbook. And preferably one that centers around open fire and coal cooking. You’ll become weary of cinnamon flavored squirrel quickly. You’ll need new sauces for your squirrel and this book is great for new sauces. Oh, and you’ll need take along some spices or learn to grow your own otherwise this book won’t be much help.

4 – Various health and beauty aids, such as toothpaste, soaps, nail clippers and lotion. Nothing can tear apart a ragtag freedom fighting machine quicker than poor hygiene. Also, it’s very difficult to lay waste to nefarious communist over throwers when you have problem skin. And nothing will stop your army quicker than ingrown toenails. An ounce of prevention, and all of that.

5 – A good book. Unless you can entertain yourself by reading cookbooks, this may be time to start reading War and Peace or Moby Dick. You’re gonna have lots of down time and TV is not going to be quite as prevalent with enemy forces blowing up communications towers and such. And you shouldn’t take The Bible. Nothing will depress freedom fighters more quickly than all this talk about the end of the world.

6 – A nice fruit basket. When you meet up with your fellow freedom fighters and are seeking alliances, nothing says Trust Me better than an exquisitely assembled basket of fruit and nuts.

7 – Some board games and decks of cards. Self-explanatory.

8 – A 9 iron. Good for clubbing the enemy and you can use the Atomic Fireballs to practice your chipping. If you chip like me, this is not a good method for taking out squirrels unless the squirrels are behind you.

9 – A towel. If we’ve learned one thing from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it is to carry a towel.

10 – Some good weed. If it’s the end of the world, you’ve got more important things to worry about. So why not smoke something that will slow your reflexes, kill some brain cells, and maybe make your grandchildren impotent all for a good buzz? Plus, it will make dealing with your annoying freedom fighter comrades much more bearable.

Now get out there and assemble that survival kit. If you need to make room, it’s OK to throw out the gas masks and flashlights. These practical items are definitely more important for the long boring task of saving the world.

*shit hits the fan