Heart to heart
I’m 31 years old. This morning, I get up and make some coffee. Then mess around on the web for a bit. Intent on letting the wife sleep in, I go get my second cup of coffee and head out to the garage to monkey about. I walk past the front of my car and then it feels as though someone just hit me square in the center of my chest with a baseball bat. It hurt so badly I fell down onto the hood of my car. I was having a heart attack.
It’s amazing as you sit there fairly certain that you’re going to die what thoughts pop into your head:
Is there a God?
Is there a Heaven or Hell?
What will it be like, dying and all that?
Will it hurt? Will it suck? Tickle? Leave a mark?
Have I done enough with my life for people to remember me for who I was?
I wish I’d had kids.
I thought absolutely none of the above. Not one single question about the nature of life, my accomplishments, death, God, the universe, or anything spiritually minded pop into my head. Zilch, nothing. I had two thoughts: 1) my wife will find me dead, hunkered lifeless over the hood of a 2001 Chrysler Sebring Convertible, wearing only my bathrobe. It’s gonna be one shitty morning for her. And 2) I started running through in my mind how much life insurance I had on myself and could it provide for my wife. I was amazed at how quickly I could do math in my head when I was close to death. I was content that she had enough (financial advisors say get your annual salary times 10) and we had prepared for the worst.
I soon realized, to my surprise, I wasn’t dead. I got up. The distinct feeling of being hit squarely in the chest with a baseball bat was now a dull throb. It still hurt, but was tolerable. I went to the living room and sat on the couch to collect my thoughts for a couple of minutes. I went through the entire heart attack playbook that they teach every white male from about the age of 12 on. I looked for aspirin. I tried to remain calm. I thought of symptoms from the same playbook: left arm numb, cold extremities, jaw sore. I had none of those. I didn’t fit the heart attack playbook. I decided that I wasn’t going to be one of those guys you read about who dies suddenly then you find out from his wife he had chest pains a week before his death but was too stubborn to go to the hospital.
I awoke the wife. I calmly explained in the most assuring, caring and sincere tone I could muster that I was gonna fucking die. Actually, I didn’t. I told her I needed her to drive me to the hospital and why. She was worried, of course. We had a moment I don’t care to elaborate about. I brushed my teeth, put on shorts, a shirt and hat while she got dressed. And we were off. We were going to Fort Sanders because the wife doesn’t trust Blount Memorial.
For future reference, if you’re driving slowly in the fast lane beside another car, the car behind you that is tailgating you may well have someone with a medical emergency in the passenger seat. This is not the time to tap your brakes to prove some sort of point. Get the hell out of the way. The irony of your WWJD sticker is clearly lost on you.
The emergency room on the strip is an interesting place in the early a.m. hours after UT just beat Florida. But that’s another story. We arrive, the wife fills out a form and writes in big letters under Reason for Visit: Chest pain! She underlined and put the exclamation point. That worked because they quickly take me to a room. Never underestimate the power of assertive punctuation. A doctor comes in and explains to me the possibilities of what may have happened, what they’re going to do, and for me to stay calm. He said it could be the worst (a heart attack); or a pulmonary eruption (which is bad, it’s what that reporter in Iraq died from); a host of other unpleasant things; or nothing.
They take six vials of blood. They do an EKG. They X-Ray my chest. The doctor, being a nice guy, didn’t wait until all the tests were done. He’d come in one at a time as they were done and tell me the news. EKG was fine. Chest X-Ray was normal. All blood samples came back negative. I was the picture of health. Not a thing wrong. We were there for two and a half hours. I was praying that it would be nothing. And praying hard. All the soul searching I failed to do when I thought I was going to die was being done now. The wife and me talked and planned things we needed to do.
Diagnosis: Chest wall pain. Your ribs have little muscles between them that allow the rib cage to expand when you breathe. Apparently, my rib muscles decided that they would spasm for some reason. This can be caused by moving in a funny manner or any number of other reasons. The doc tells me that when someone is backing their car up and they put their arm on the passenger seat and turn around is when it happens most often.
I then said to the doctor: I have cramps? Yes. All my soul searching and revelations were caused by cramps.
The incident made the wife and me closer and made me reevaluate some things. I still have the throbbing pain in my chest that should pass in a few days. It was an interesting Sunday at the SayUncle household and one we won’t forget any time soon.
September 21st, 2003 at 9:54 pm
Gadzooks, man! Glad to hear you’re alright. I just turned 32, and I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have a heart attack, or even a false alarm.
Hope everything turns out all right.
September 21st, 2003 at 9:57 pm
Wow. What an incident to grab your attention. I’m glad your problem is relatively minor.
We’re roughly the same age. And while I think about my physical condition a bit more than five years ago, I still don’t ponder my mortality much. I can only imagine what an emotional jolt that must cause.
September 21st, 2003 at 10:54 pm
Whoa, Uncle! I’m glad you’re ok, too. You’re far too young for such scary nonsense.
September 22nd, 2003 at 12:10 am
A guy I knew in college had the same thing. Glad you are all right!
Yours,
Wince
September 22nd, 2003 at 7:03 am
thank the lord yer all rite, sir. twuz a rude sprize to ye no doubt, but tiz the kinda thang that wakes a bidy up. hope everthang turns out ok fer ye.
once ye knew ye wuz ok, did ye wonta thank bout them questchuns ye wuz posin?
innywho, all the best, sir!
September 22nd, 2003 at 8:08 am
Damn that’s scary. Glad you are OK, and that you and the Mrs. pulled through together. I can’t imagine how frightening it must have been for both of you.
September 22nd, 2003 at 8:26 am
Thanks all! I really am fine but can’t move my upper body around so well. I appreciate the kind thoughts.
September 22nd, 2003 at 8:28 am
Well that’s a lousy way to spend a Sunday. I had something similar (turned out to be a sprained muscle in my chest) so I know the fear you feel. Best wishes to you and glad you’re all right.
September 22nd, 2003 at 8:54 am
WOW! Glad you are well!
Okay, now it’s PARTY TIME! Celebrate your gladness to be alive by blowing all of that money on hookers, booze and Havana cigars! Now is the perfect time to get a Harley.
BTW, do not announce any of this to the wife or you will have no more doubts of the existance of hell 🙂
September 22nd, 2003 at 10:00 am
Glad to hear you are ok.
September 22nd, 2003 at 10:23 am
Not the way I’d want to spend my Sunday! Glad to hear it was not serious.
September 22nd, 2003 at 12:46 pm
No wonder you didn’t gloat over Jay in detail! Am glad you are fine.
September 22nd, 2003 at 1:58 pm
So glad you’re alright.
James
September 22nd, 2003 at 3:56 pm
Heh
Poor thing, now we’ll never get to do the things that my dear Willie and I do now. Of course we wouldn’t have the insurance money to do it with if Harold had lived.
http://idlehourwebs.com/redneckin/nucleus2.0/index.php?itemid=143
September 22nd, 2003 at 4:31 pm
Glad to hear you’re OK, Unc. Jeez…learning our mortality is a bitch, ain’t it? I empathise.
September 22nd, 2003 at 10:03 pm
holy freakin’ crap man…
am 37yrs old, gonna be 38 come winter. smoke like a fiend, don’t get enough rest or exercise and the wife and I are now the proud parents of a 2 month old son.
heart problems run on both sides of the family. I have spent considerable time trying to figure out how to tell the wife, when that time inevitably comes, that I’m having a coronary without having her freak out.
cannot imagine what that was like. the frustration, the anxiety and the soul searching, to use your words. holy freakin’ crap.
glad yer OK. hope ya stay OK.
September 22nd, 2003 at 11:04 pm
Wow! Just Wow!
Glad everything turned out OK, Old Top!
September 23rd, 2003 at 12:00 pm
SU – that’s a shock to come back to. Glad everything turned out ok. Also good to know you’ve got your insurance taken care of….
September 26th, 2003 at 9:12 am
Yow! Glad you got your arse to the hospital. I’m very much of the better embarrased-than-dead school.
September 27th, 2003 at 10:25 am
Hey Uncle 🙂 Just now finding out through SKB what happened to ya. I’m sure glad you’re ok – I know it must have scared the heck out of both of you! Hope you’re feeling better this weekend and that the pain has subsided. Take care of yourself!
April 29th, 2004 at 4:35 am
$50,000 cash reward to anyone who can figure out what is wrong with me. I have done every chest and heart test in the book, yet nothing. I have constant checst pain after every meal, all throughout the day, and it runs my life. Im 25 years old, and since I was 15 had this problem. If you are a medical doctor new in the field or a vetrin, and are looking to help someone who has been struggling to find the answer, and make 50 grand cash, please reply ASAP as I am serious and ready to test to find a solution for me.
Thanks!
October 2nd, 2003 at 6:48 am
Volunteer Tailgate Party: Vol. XII
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages. I present to you a snapshot of life in the Volunteer Blogosphere: Newsrack Blog “Virtues of their own? Eugene Genovese and the Slaveholding South” A long post about a review by…
October 2nd, 2003 at 6:51 am
Volunteer Tailgate Party: Vol. XII
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages. I present to you a snapshot of life in the Volunteer Blogosphere: Newsrack Blog “Virtues of their own? Eugene Genovese and the Slaveholding South” A long post about a review by…
October 3rd, 2003 at 1:08 am
Volunteer Tailgate Party: Vol. XII
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages. I present to you a snapshot of life in the Volunteer Blogosphere: Newsrack Blog “Virtues of their own? Eugene Genovese and the Slaveholding South” A long post about a review by…