Southern Culture on the Campaign Trail
It’s getting to be election time. This is a rare occasion because it represents the only time the rest of the country gives a fuck about the South. The rest of the year, our region is made fun of on sitcoms, reality TV, and in various op ed pieces. We’re ridiculed by snooty intellectuals and hated. We’re belittled a bit because our region consists mostly of troublemakers. At least we’re viewed as troublemakers. After all, we did secede.
At election time, we’re no longer inbred, toothless hillbillies. We suddenly become this mysterious voting bloc of gun-toting, God-fearing conservatives who like free stuff from the government (aka, southern Democrats – by the way, are there any of those left nationally?). It’s true. Most southerners like their guns and their God. We also have liberals and conservatives here in the south, though our definition of liberal typically includes people fond of guns and God but place free stuff higher on the list than other folks.
Democrats tend to write the south off nationally, which is a mistake. After they write us off in terms of votes, they often write us off in terms of policy (that gets back to the vote thing). Al Gore wrote us off in terms of policy and it cost him votes. There’s a reason his concession speech mentioned something about mending fences at home.
And here in Tennessee on the local level, we’ve elected quite a few Democrats lately. The Democrats shouldn’t write the south off completely. But what wins Democrat votes in the rest of the country doesn’t fly here in the south.
With elections, the fun begins. We suddenly get the people who used to try to appeal to snooty intellectuals interested in appealing to us. They try to pass their gun control legislation off as common sense stuff by stating things like We don’t mean your shotgun, Ethyl. We’re talkin’ ‘bout them there assault weapons. Or they attempt to dumb down their agenda. And every politician before visiting the southeast finds Jesus; eats pinto beans at a Ma & Pa diner; and goes hunting.
We southern folks really like it if you’d slow down a bit when talking to us. It’s not because we’re slow to understand, it’s because fast talk makes you seem rude. That should illustrate why you snooty intellectuals don’t understand us. But it only illustrates that to other southerners. The snooty intellectuals don’t get it. We do things differently in these parts and that’s why people love the south or hate it.
We call a woman Ma’am and we do it to be polite. We don’t do it because she’s old. When I address the 16 year-old girl who works at Target, I say Yes, ma’am.
Most of us know how to kill, skin, and prepare various animals for food. Well, I do. My family was really country. This does not make us a freak show to be talked about. I was on a job once in Maryland. We got on the subject of hunting (which most people on the job hadn’t done) and I mentioned I have killed and eaten various animals. Suddenly, everyone began asking me about it like I was this wild mountain man. Hell, I was just an accountant. By the way, SayUncle is opposed to killing in general and hasn’t hunted since his teens. I don’t even kill spiders; I escort them outside. This annoys the wife, who thinks all things with more than four legs should be eradicated from the planet.
We drink our tea sweet. And we can make a meal out of nothing but pinto beans, corn bread, and an onion. You can say things here like He needs killin’ and people will sympathize.
But make no mistake; we’re not a bunch of dumb, uneducated simpletons. If you treat us like we are, that’s your mistake. There’s a reason most presidents come from the South and it’d be wise to remember that.
January 21st, 2004 at 10:30 pm
A MASTERPIECE! In addition to linking it, I’m emailing it to all my keypals who do not read blogs.
January 22nd, 2004 at 12:20 am
That’s funny. I don’t kill spiders, either. But as far as deer and elk and stuff goes, if you’ll kill it, I’ll gladly eat it. So long as it isn’t endangered. 🙂
Frankly, I’ve never understood Iced Tea, sweetened or not. The stuff is nasty. If you’re going to drink tea, it should be hot tea, and not some yuppie earl grey shit, either. I’m talking about the cheap orange pekoe stuff that you get at chinese restaurants. And yes, you should sweeten the hell out of it.
January 22nd, 2004 at 12:46 am
Earl Grey was a member of the appease-Napoleon faction in Parliament.
Most of us know how to kill, skin, and prepare various animals for food upnort here in Wisconsin, damn betcha.
January 22nd, 2004 at 7:06 am
Amen, Brother…
January 22nd, 2004 at 7:08 am
Outstanding.
January 22nd, 2004 at 8:31 am
Excellent, sir….I’m interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your pamphlet.
January 22nd, 2004 at 8:58 am
Good piece. I beg to differ on the spiders. They must die horribly.
January 22nd, 2004 at 9:08 am
Say Uncle= Thomas Paine??
🙂
January 22nd, 2004 at 10:48 am
Thanks for the kind words, all.
January 22nd, 2004 at 11:09 am
I know it’s sacriledge for me, Southern born and bred, to agree with tgirsch on iced tea —
BUT I DO!!
January 22nd, 2004 at 11:27 am
It sucks to be condesended to, don’t it? We have that here in Illinois, to a lesser extent. Just substitute the City of Chicaguh for the “Northeast”, and the rest of the state as the “Southeast”. Just because I know field corn from sweet corn, that makes me some sort of hick. I guess my MBA has no place in the matter.
January 22nd, 2004 at 1:11 pm
Hey, good one, Uncle. I’m a damn yankee who’s had the pleasure of living among great folks here in Tennessee for seven years now, and I find the uppityness of ignorant and offensive.
And who are they to put me down for killing, skinning and preparing my own vegetables, anyway?
January 22nd, 2004 at 1:13 pm
make that, ‘the uppityness of many northerners”…etc.
January 22nd, 2004 at 3:19 pm
As a Kansan I can relate. What everyone knows about Kansas: It’s flat. We’re all farmers. It’s flat. We have lots of tornadoes. It’s flat. Dorothy and Toto. It’s flat.
At least people think the South is interesting. Kansas is fly-over country.
Yours,
Wince
January 22nd, 2004 at 3:58 pm
triticale:
Being from there, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I look forward to my father-in-law’s venison sausage every year. 🙂
January 22nd, 2004 at 4:58 pm
Wince:
You forgot “it’s not where Kansas City is.”
February 3rd, 2004 at 9:23 pm
Howdy Ya’ll,
Yellow Dog here. I’m out on the campaign trail sniffing out voters and shaking paws, but when my campaign manager showed me your blog– well, being a born an’ bred Southerner, I couldn’t help but shed a tear… some fur too.
Anyways, I told my campaign manager to be sure and link to this post so even more voters would understand, and thanks Uncle Says, for sayin’ it so fine. -Yellow
Come on America! Get off your porches and run with the pooches– the big Yellow Dog that is! Vote Yellow Dog ’04, and vote for a new beginning!
April 23rd, 2004 at 10:07 pm
This is funny to read. I’m a TN native and have never lived anywhere but TN.
Ironically I find this post to be nothing more then stereotyping of the entire north. So what if a few northerners look down upon the south? The majority don’t care. That’s a fact. I didn’t know this until I travelled a bit and got to know people in places in the northeast.
And the funny thing is – many people who have a big problem with the south are ex-southerners who feel as if they were ran out for whatever reason. LOL!
April 23rd, 2004 at 10:11 pm
Forgot to mention in the last post – I bet anything that there are just as many anti-northern southerners as there are northerners who look down upon the south.
A Hollywood sitcom doesn’t represent what some factory worker in Pittsburgh thinks…
January 25th, 2004 at 4:23 pm
Southern Culture on the Campaign Trail
Southern Culture on the Campaign Trail It’s getting to be election time. This is a rare occasion because it represents…
January 27th, 2004 at 4:00 am
It’s the condescension stupid
I’ve been looking for for an opportunity to go off on this and I got my opportunity.Now, you probably waste a whole lotta good-fishin’ Saturdays readin’ yourself the papers, watchin’ all the talk on the TV, and sittin’ around thinkin’…
May 31st, 2006 at 8:45 am
[…] I beg to differ with UpChuck, here. The south is pretty much about the same, generally speaking. In fact, here’s something I wrote on the subject about two and a half years ago: It’s getting to be election time. This is a rare occasion because it represents the only time the rest of the country gives a fuck about the South. The rest of the year, our region is made fun of on sitcoms, reality TV, and in various op ed pieces. We’re ridiculed by snooty intellectuals and hated. We’re belittled a bit because our region consists mostly of troublemakers. At least we’re viewed as troublemakers. After all, we did secede. […]
August 10th, 2006 at 8:50 am
[…] First of all, I don’t hunt. Haven’t since I was a teen. I, the big bad gun nut, just don’t much care for killing. I know how. I am capable of killing, cleaning and cooking nearly anything that crawls, walks or swims. Just don’t like it. I’m a pacifist of sorts. Heck, I’ve even admitted that: I don’t even kill spiders; I escort them outside. This annoys the wife, who thinks all things with more than four legs should be eradicated from the planet. […]