A while back, Tom had a post that was to tackle (quite satirically) Libertarian solutions to common problems. It was pretty funny. In response, here’s my attempt at the liberal solution to this situation:

The other day, Kevin and I were coming back from lunch, and noticed a car double-parked in the lot. Now our lot is already overcrowded, and parking is at a premium, and here’s this jughead taking up two spaces.

Liberal solutions to parking problems:

First, we must form a committee to study the problem. Said committee will conclude that the existing law (i.e., which states double parking is illegal) is not enough; parking irregularities are out of control; and that citizens are incapable of making their own parking decisions.

Then, we will begin drafting new legislation. This legislation will create the Bureau of Parking Irregularities (BPI). Said bureau will be a special taskforce within the State Troopers Association, a subsidiary of our local Department of Justice.

The DOJ will appoint someone to head the BPI that is either:

A relative of a prominent official

A business associate of a prominent official

Some one who a prominent official thinks should hold higher public office some day

This person will be incompetent and appointed for life.

The BPI will be given free reign to draft policies and procedures to prevent the problem of double parking. They will draft solutions that include:

Mandating that all parking spaces in the area must meet minimum and maximum size requirements. These requirements will be set arbitrarily by some staffers surfing the web and will have no meaningful impact on parking irregularities, other than the fact that a standard sedan can’t fit in any of the spaces.

Mandating that all vehicles must be parked exactly parallel with lines in the parking space.

All lines in parking lots are to be painted orange.

The department will specify the distance from all sides of the vehicle to the lines painted on the parking spaces in inches.

There will be a five day waiting period on parking spaces.

The government will evoke Eminent Domain and all parking lots will be government property.

They will establish a hotline so that citizens can report parking irregularities. However, when you call the number, you will be connected to someone at the Department of Finance and Administration, who will have no idea what you’re talking about; no idea where to transfer you to; and will put you on hold until you give up and hang up the telephone.

They will offer incentives to police to crack down on parking irregularities. Suddenly and seemingly unexplainably, parking irregularity statistics will skyrocket. The BPI will now need more employees, facilities, and money to combat this massive increase in parking irregularities.

The fine for double parking will rise from $14 to $350.

A parking irregularity ad campaign will kick off. Unsurprisingly, no one will pay attention.

Later, a subcommittee formed by the BPI will conclude that certain vehicles are more likely to be involved in parking irregularities. Legislation will be drafted to register, tax, license, and regulate these vehicles separately from other vehicles. Eventually, a group of soccer moms will advocate banning these vehicles outright, prompting the formation of a vehicle rights group. The cost of these vehicles will double.

Al Gore will claim to have invented parking.

The BPI will be involved in litigation from the vehicle rights group who claim that such regulation infringes on citizens’ rights to park.

The BPI will form a vehicle buyback program.

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court will conclude that no one has a right to park.

The BPI will begin licensing parking spaces.

The cost of litigation and buyback programs will increase parking irregularity fines to $500 and one year in jail for each offense.

Jails will be overcrowded prompting a late night budget session to fund more prison space due to the rabid increase in crime our area is currently experiencing.

The mayor of San Francisco will issue parking space licenses to motorboats.

Al Sharpton will misunderstand the legislation involved and prove that on national TV.

The increased regulation of parking spaces will make businesses who maintain parking spaces less profitable. Central Parking will hire lobbyists and suddenly Republicans will oppose unreasonable parking regulations, until the money runs out.

Parking irregularity fines will increase to a maximum $10,000 fine and up to three years in prison.

George Bush will blame the increase in parking related crime on terrorism. He will push to federalize parking regulation and the Department of Parking Security will be created at a cost of $15B.

The Department of Parking Security will exempt judges, senators, and Sean Penn from following parking laws.

Kerry, who advocated the idea a year ago, will now oppose it.

Krugman, Franken, Coulter and Limbaugh will all say something really stupid about parking irregularities as the debate heats up in America.

Maureen Dowd will list a bunch of facts about parking. They will all be wrong.

By 2015, it will be illegal to park any where.

Posted in uncategorized on February 23rd, 2004 by SayUncle | RSS 2.0 |