Stuff I’ve Learned – The Pregnancy Edition
If all goes as planned, in two weeks I’ll be a dad. Some random things that I have learned, noticed, or done:
Male nesting. It’s real. You don’t have the uncontrollable urge to clean. What you will have is the uncontrollable urge to build stuff. In the last two weeks, I have built a workbench, a dog house, a growth chart, and a small wooden box. This is in addition to my ordinary tinkering (built a computer, added some modifications to my Ruger 10/22, and set up a home network).
Your body knows. You start sleeping less. I suppose it’s nature’s way of getting you ready for the sleepless nights you have coming.
Since I’m having a girl, I will apparently develop (in about 15 to 16 years) the desire to want to beat the crap out of every pimply faced kid that looks at her funny. Time to start learning to control that desire now.
Apparently, everything on the planet causes SIDS. Seriously. Particularly, anything you may get secondhand has an increased risk of causing SIDS. It’s true. The result, we bought all new stuff. Sounds to me like a scam by the people who make new stuff.
Even though everything causes SIDS, no one knows what causes SIDS. It’s totally true. Ask your doctor. They’ll tell you they don’t know. But they do know that secondhand stuff causes it. It’s really strange.
You cannot get out of Babies R Us without spending at least $300.
Two common features of baby stuff: 1) It’s expensive; and 2) it’s disposable. Two hundred dollar car seat will be outgrown in only a few months.
On sex, neither you nor your partner have the desire.
Some of the details of pregnancy are better left unknown to the father. Mucus plugs? Ick!
After attending birthing class, the video was all of the miracle of birth I want to ever see. The video shows some women you don’t know. I can’t imagine watching the woman I love go through that. I’ll be there, in the room, with my wife. I will not, however, play catch or in any way get on the business end of the deal.
The part that really scares the woman is, surprisingly, not the pain but the fact she may make number 2 in front of about four people.
When the baby first starts moving in such a way as it can be felt, as soon as your wife calls you over there to feel it, it will stop. This will frustrate you and annoy your wife who won’t be able to understand why you’re not as excited as her.
Later, it’s amazing to actually see what is identifiably the impression of a foot on a woman’s abdomen.
You will see strength in the woman you love you have never seen before. It is truly inspiring.
June 11th, 2004 at 12:37 pm
You keep that mucus plug shit to yourself mister.
June 11th, 2004 at 2:00 pm
I’m behind the times. So used stuff is now the cause of SIDS, eh? Used to be the family cat!!!
June 11th, 2004 at 3:33 pm
Ok, start working. She needs 3000.00, right NOW in a college trust. Before she is 18, she needs Eight grand in a retirement fund. Tax free one.
Schooling? Forget public, but if you MUST, make SURE she is a band kid. I mean a clarinet/piano/flute player. Band Kids have an entirely different culture and experience.
Breastfeed. And keep mom home for at least the whole first year.
You are raising a human being who will have to FIGHT for her freedom. Never forget that. She’ll have to fight to re-establish it for her children. We have blown it already.
June 11th, 2004 at 5:09 pm
And from what I understand, it involves getting beat up a lot.
I had no idea what mucus plugs were. Now I wish I never knew.
June 12th, 2004 at 11:22 am
A hearty congrats on the baby girl, that firearm collection should come in handy in about 14 or 15 years, just invite the boys in to see your collection while waxing on about how important your daughter is to you. That should get the message across with out seeming “threatening”.
June 13th, 2004 at 10:44 pm
Does your wife watch those TLC/Discovery Channel “oh my god this is the worst pregnancy EVAR!” programs? Mine does, and has for the past several years. That is truly some scary TV.
June 14th, 2004 at 10:12 am
On sex, neither you nor your partner have the desire.
You will, of course, get it back in spades after the baby is born. She, however, never will.