The Mrs. decided that this holiday season the Uncle family would do the family picture thing for Christmas cards. Her plan was to have a picture taken of me, her, Junior, Politically Correct Dog, and Politically Incorrect Dog. Since we can’t very well all head to Sears for such a wondrous occasion (large dogs at the mall during the holidays is apparently frowned upon), the plan was to have the in-laws come over and man the digital camera while the Uncle family stood around in uncomfortable clothes and tried to look happy (and comfortable) in front of the Christmas tree. So, here are the players

SayUncle: Despite the fact that I don’t do drugs, I suffer from the same ailment that afflicts comedian Jim Brewer. I look stoned in pictures. If you take 100 pictures of me, I will look stoned in 80 of them. I don’t know if I squint or if the flash makes my eyes lose focus but, as the Mrs. will attest, I look stoned in almost all of our pictures. I also am generally averse to wearing sweaters. I find them uncomfortable, scratchy, they fit too tightly, and restrict my movement. Being the holidays, I was required to wear a holiday sweater. I also can’t do the fake-smile-on-command thing. In order to smile, I have to think of something funny, be told a joke, or actually see something funny to make me smile.

Junior: She’s perfect. However, getting a five month old to smile on command is quite difficult, though less difficult than getting SayUncle to smile.

The Mrs.: She’s perfect too. She can smile on command (a quite beautiful one too). She can do this even while yelling at me.

The in-laws: One of the in-laws has the technical ability to operate our digital camera. One of the in-laws has the ability to make Junior smile on command. Unfortunately, it’s the same person with both of these abilities.

Politically Incorrect Dog: when treats are involved, he does all of his tricks at once. You pull out a treat and he will immediately sit, speak, shake and eventually become so flustered trying to do everything he knows that he’ll become a shaky, excited mass of fur and tongue.

Politically Correct Dog: when in a high-stress situation, he turns into submissive dog. He’ll generally just lie down on the ground on his back and avert his eyes from, well, everything. He’s kind of a pussy.

My initial thought on this whole adventure was that the Army Corps of Engineers couldn’t pull off getting a smiling baby, two dogs posing, and a non-stoned looking SayUncle together in one picture. The in-laws arrive and it’s on.

The first major task was getting junior to smile. At first, this was attempted by one of the in-laws jumping up and down, making odd sounds, and clapping. The problem was that, though it got Junior to smile, it made me and the Mrs. laugh as well. Not good for pictures.

The second major task was getting the dogs to sit and stay. Ordinarily, this is not a problem. However, the picture taking session lasted over an hour. You can’t expect a dog to sit and stay that long. It is also a problem for the dogs when the in-laws are caterwauling, clapping, and jumping up and down. This tends to excite the dogs. As mentioned before, Politically Correct Dog just laid down and rolled over. Also not good for pictures.

None of this worked. Eventually, Junior grew weary of the sound effects. The dogs got a little excited, then bored, then appeared to give up on life and sat there looking around. Time for other plans. We decide that the in-laws holding treats in the air for the dogs to get the dogs to sit would be a good idea. Also, instead of constant sound effects for Junior, it turns out that she smiles uncontrollably when you bounce her around. The new plan is that, with the in laws holding treats, I will bounce Junior in the air and, after the camera operator tells me she’s smiling, pull her close and pose. After about 20 minutes of bouncing and 52 snapshots, my arm hurts. Time for a break. We transfer the pictures to the computer and all the pics where the baby is smiling and dogs are behaving feature me looking quite stoned.

We try again. So, to be clear, here’s the situation:

The Mrs. is smiling patiently and dealing with my inability to look not stoned and my inability to smile. I am bouncing Junior in the air with a sore arm while trying to fake smile. I am also trying to time stopping her bounce and moving her into position for the camera click before she stops smiling. I’m doing this while thinking of that scene in PCU where the guy, who is stoned, asks Can you blow me where the Pampers is? I still laugh at that. One of the in-laws is holding a treat aloft to keep the dogs’ attention. Politically Correct Dog is trying to roll over on his back and act submissive for his treat. Politically Incorrect Dog is sitting, shaking, speaking, and doing every trick he knows to get the treat. The other in-law is trying to time the picture-taking so that we’re all doing what we’re supposed to be doing at the time the picture is taken.

Twenty later minutes and we score success. Total time: 1.5 hours. Total pictures taken: Well over 100. And it didn’t require the Army Corps of Engineers. People better appreciate these Christmas cards.

Posted in Notes to Junior on December 3rd, 2004 by SayUncle | RSS 2.0 |