When I was a wee lad, I went to the zoo with the family. While there, I took a particular interest in those giant tortoises. You know the ones, they’re virtually indistinguishable from large rocks, unless they’re moving, at which point you’d think That rock is moving. How odd. However, you wouldn’t be concerned because the rock wasn’t moving fast enough to be a threat to anything other than stationary rocks. After many minutes of watching the tortoises, one tortoise mounted another. While the tortoise was astride, his mouth was agape and he was making this bizarre sound. It sounded exactly like:

Mraaaa

Sort of like if Fran Drescher was a sheep and said Baah. The tortoise on the receiving end was making no sounds and had pulled all of its appendages into its shell. Either she was not too amused and open to said mounting, or she was a he. At the time (being a wee lad), I didn’t realize the tortoises were doing it. I got to witness some tortoise poundage but didn’t know it. I asked the parents and they offered no real explanation. I just figured it’s what giant tortoises did. Never thought about it much after.

People associate certain sounds with certain animals. Dogs say woof. Cows say moo. Ducks say quack. I assumed that certain animals were mute because we don’t associate a sound with them or we never hear them, like the tortoise. No kid’s books say that the tortoise says Mraaaa.

When I was a teenager, I took the family German Shepherd out to take care of business (he’s German, so he said Wüf). Suddenly, he took off running through the yard. Then I heard a horrible sound, it sounded like a baby crying only it was higher pitched and ceased almost instantly. The dog had caught and killed a rabbit. I always assumed rabbits were sort of mute, but they are not. I’d say that was the worst sound I’ve ever heard.

And I was once watching this Discovery Channel special on hippos. The first half of the special, the hippos were all videoed while in the water. They were peaceful, serene and had a delicate grace about them. Then the show had footage of them on land and you realize they’re just big, stupid, clumsy cows. They also say Moo.

Junior has all sorts of baby toys. She has various plastic and stuffed animals. In the process of teaching Junior about life, I’ll sit around with her and pick up one of her toy animals (like a toy dog) and inform her of the sound the animal makes. My wife was watching as I did this. I picked up the Duck, noted it went quack for Junior’s benefit. The dog says woof. The cow says moo. Then I realize junior has a toy turtle. And the turtle (being not entirely dissimilar from the tortoise) must obviously say Mraaaa.

I had to explain to the wife that horny turtles do make that sound. She got a kick out of my tale of tortoise sexuality.

Junior also has a toy whale. If there’s one thing Star Trek has taught me, it’s that impersonating a whale can only be done by computer. Junior does not have a toy donkey. Since I can’t do the whale sound, her whale says Eee Aww.

Easter’s coming up and the wife bought Junior a stuffed bunny. Great.

Posted in Notes to Junior on March 10th, 2005 by SayUncle | RSS 2.0 |