Michael has the latest Volunteer Tailgate Party, which is a tribute to SK Bubba.

There’s been some blathering in blogworld about these survival kits. You know, the stuff you should have for when the SHTF* or when the lights just go out for a little bit. These discussions point out things like food, water, flashlights, a weapon or two, purifiers, and backup generators. These are all fine and good but there are items more essential to survival than those.

Let’s face it, when Armageddon comes, you’re gonna have a lot down time. It’s not going to always be about running willy-nilly through the land shooting at helicopters, liberating your captured comrades, and sniping at the evil minions. Here’s a list of the ten most important items you should take:

1 – You’ll spend a lot of time sleeping. That’s why you need a comfortable, inflatable mattress and some fine goose-feather pillows. Since you’ll have all this down time, very comfortable sheets and comforters are a must too. If you’re not well-rested, then you won’t be a very effective freedom fighter.

2 – Atomic Fireballs are a must. I don’t mean weaponry. I mean a nicely flavored, long-lasting hard candy. And who doesn’t love hot cinnamon? As a bonus, these can be loaded into a slingshot or your homemade rocket launcher and propelled at squirrels for some good eatin’. In addition to being able to incapacitate a squirrel, it adds a nice cinnamon flavor to the otherwise gamey meat. Jolly Ranchers are OK but they aren’t as aerodynamically suited to be propelled at high velocities and are not recommended for squirrel killin’.

3 – You’ll also need a good cookbook. And preferably one that centers around open fire and coal cooking. You’ll become weary of cinnamon flavored squirrel quickly. You’ll need new sauces for your squirrel and this book is great for new sauces. Oh, and you’ll need take along some spices or learn to grow your own otherwise this book won’t be much help.

4 – Various health and beauty aids, such as toothpaste, soaps, nail clippers and lotion. Nothing can tear apart a ragtag freedom fighting machine quicker than poor hygiene. Also, it’s very difficult to lay waste to nefarious communist over throwers when you have problem skin. And nothing will stop your army quicker than ingrown toenails. An ounce of prevention, and all of that.

5 – A good book. Unless you can entertain yourself by reading cookbooks, this may be time to start reading War and Peace or Moby Dick. You’re gonna have lots of down time and TV is not going to be quite as prevalent with enemy forces blowing up communications towers and such. And you shouldn’t take The Bible. Nothing will depress freedom fighters more quickly than all this talk about the end of the world.

6 – A nice fruit basket. When you meet up with your fellow freedom fighters and are seeking alliances, nothing says Trust Me better than an exquisitely assembled basket of fruit and nuts.

7 – Some board games and decks of cards. Self-explanatory.

8 – A 9 iron. Good for clubbing the enemy and you can use the Atomic Fireballs to practice your chipping. If you chip like me, this is not a good method for taking out squirrels unless the squirrels are behind you.

9 – A towel. If we’ve learned one thing from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it is to carry a towel.

10 – Some good weed. If it’s the end of the world, you’ve got more important things to worry about. So why not smoke something that will slow your reflexes, kill some brain cells, and maybe make your grandchildren impotent all for a good buzz? Plus, it will make dealing with your annoying freedom fighter comrades much more bearable.

Now get out there and assemble that survival kit. If you need to make room, it’s OK to throw out the gas masks and flashlights. These practical items are definitely more important for the long boring task of saving the world.

*shit hits the fan

Before the Mrs. and I got married, we did the honorable thing and lived in sin for a while. I highly recommend it. But this isn’t a post about that, this is a post about this:

Men aren’t big on decorating. I never was. My old condo had white walls in every room, Berber carpet, and black furniture. Oh, the dining room was oak. One thing noticeably absent (I know this because people came in and said I notice that absent is . . .) from my condo was wall art (no pictures or paintings) and knickknacks (you know, little things that sit on your end tables). All that was on my furniture was lamps, coasters, and the occasional glass. My condo was, to use the phrase of a friend, very Spartan.

Then the soon-to-be Mrs. moves in. Suddenly, my natural habitat was disturbed. I now had on my furniture many knickknacks, such as various framed pictures of people I didn’t know, a basket for remote controls (I stored them in seat cushions), and various ceramic/glass/porcelain things strewn about the house in a seemingly random (though entirely purposeful) fashion. Also, I had wall art: pictures of flowers, more pictures of people I didn’t know, and a painting of this solemn looking boy staring out into the sea. And candles. Lots of candles. Single men don’t have candles, they like to use Mag-Lites and other gizmos when the power goes out. The candles were scented too.

Then the painting started. We spent an entire month painting every room in the condo but one, which we left white. It was my toy room/office. The wife said the white walls made it look like a hotel room. At the time, I was working in public accounting and traveled a lot. So, I found the hotel room look familiar and comfortable.

After the placement of various knickknacks around what was formerly my bachelor pad, me and the soon-to-be Mrs. were watching television. It was winter. I was laying on my black leather couch and the Mrs. was on the matching love seat. I started getting hot. So, I shifted my blanket a bit. Then I was still getting hot, particularly my feet were really warm. I shifted my feet again.

That did the trick, I was comfortable. A minute or two passes and my feet feel as though they are on fire. I re-situated my feet again and all of a sudden from under the blanket erupts a giant fireball. I, understandably shocked that a fireball had just come from my blanket and having watched one too many Discovery Channel specials on spontaneous human combustion, was a bit alarmed. I leapt to my feet (bad move, my socks were on fire), grabbed the blanket and threw it on the floor. Then I jumped up and down like a mad man on the blanket in an effort to extinguish the fire on the blanket and my feet. I then grabbed the blanket, used it to extinguish my feet, and rolled it up with the fire in the middle. The fire was out. By the way, I doubt stop, drop and roll works on feet.

You would think that the love of your life would notice that her soon-to-be husband was on fire. No, she intently watched Friends while I was trying to put myself out. Then I started cussing. She, concerned now, asks What’s wrong?.

I was shocked. She missed the fireball, missed me extinguishing myself, and missed the smell that burning blankets make because she was watching some tired, old repeated joke on Friends.

I instruct her (and by instruct mean yell loudly) that I was on fire. I show her my socks (which are burnt black), I show her the blanket (which was burnt black), and I showed her the armrest of the leather couch which was singed in such a way that the mark looked remarkably like a Christmas tree. Then, she starts laughing hysterically.

You’re probably wondering how my feet caught fire. Actually, you’re also probably wondering why my feet exploded into a fireball. It puzzled me too so I put on my arson investigator’s hat and determined that:

I was laying under a blanket that had little, frilly threads on the end. One of the newly acquired candles mentioned above (an item only recently introduced into the SayUncle habitat) was on the end table by my feet. I had apparently re-arranged my feet and, while shifting, the candle ignited the frilly threads. Then when I noticed my feet were a bit warm, I rearranged in such a fashion to place the end of the blanket under my feet where it smoldered for a bit, burnt my couch, and ignited my socks. When the heat was unbearable, I arranged my feet again at which point the oxygen hit the smoldering cloth and ignited a fireball.

The moral of this story: your future wife may or may not notice that you’re presently on fire. And if she does notice, she may find it funny.

One thing that people will warn you about when considering a bully type dog is that they tend to be a bit flatulent. Supposedly, they toot a lot. When our non-bully dog (Politically Correct Dog) strips a gear, it usually goes like this:

The family is watching a movie when suddenly Politically Correct Dog’s ears perk up and he runs away quickly. Then, you can count to about seven or so and you smell the result of his booty burp. Politically Correct Dog doesn’t really have a warning system for his barking spiders because him leaving the room may mean that he hears a noise and doesn’t necessarily denote a bratwurst bugle. He’s silent but violent.

The same situation with Politically Incorrect Dog (our bully) is different. See, Politically Incorrect Dog comes equipped with anal acoustics. When he rips a bubbler, everyone in the house knows exactly what happened. This warning system is awesome as it gives you ample time to prepare yourself for the pungency of his fartvergnugen. When you hear his butt trumpets, you have time to clear the area. And boy should you. It’s not that bullies let loose with low flying geese any more often but their fannytosis is usually loud.

What is particularly funny, is that his poots often surprise him. Suddenly, he takes a keen interest in his nether regions (as if to say Now, what the Hell was that?) for about 0.5 seconds before running like the wind he just broke. It is not uncommon for his air biscuits to awaken him (and the household) from a slumber.

I don’t think that Politically Incorrect Dog cuts muffins any more than Politically Correct Dog. It’s just that when he shoots bunnies, it’s louder. Mind you, no matter which dog steps on a duck, it smells like ass.

I have noticed Politically Incorrect Dog and Politically Correct Dog crank out a lot more duck calls since Mrs. Uncle is pregnant.

A couple of days ago, Donald Sensing, after commenting about the burning airplane in Canada, linked to this page of aviation quotes, which then linked to this eulogy of Col. Donald Conroy by his son, Pat Conroy.

Col. Conroy was a Marine aviator who was also known as “The Great Santini.” Pat Conroy, of course, is the author of the book of that title, which was a sort-of-fictionalized story about his dad, and which was made into a movie starring Robert Duvall. If you haven’t seen this movie, that’s your assignment for the weekend: rent it and watch it. After you’ve seen it, you’ll understand that bit in Austin Powers 2 where Dr. Evil is bouncing the big globe off young #2’s head.

Anyway. Back to the eulogy. It’s a good read.

Let me give you my father the warrior in full battle array. The Great Santini is catapulted off the deck of the aircraft carrier, Sicily. His Black Sheep squadron is the first to reach the Korean Theater and American ground troops had been getting torn up by North Korean regulars.

Let me do it in his voice: “We didn’t even have a map of Korea. Not zip. We just headed toward the sound of artillery firing along the Naktong River. They told us to keep the North Koreans on their side of the Naktong. Air power hadn’t been a factor until we got there that day. I radioed to Bill Lundin I was his wingman. ‘There they are. Let’s go get’em.’ So we did.”

I was interviewing Dad so I asked, “how do you know you got them?”

“Easy,” The Great Santini said. “They were running – it’s a good sign when you see the enemy running.”

There was another good sign.

“What was that, Dad?”

“They were on fire.”

As they say, RTWT.

When is a deal not a deal? When you get a “do over”. All kids know what a “do over” is. Grownups call them a mulligan. A friend of mine told me the story of “Mulligan Joe”. This golfer wanted a mulligan on every bad tee shot. The general practice is a mulligan on the first hole and that’s it. Most people would see a mulligan on every hole as “poor form” as the English would say. People around here just call it cheating.

Hayes Hickman writes the story of another “Mulligan Joe” in the August 4th Knoxville News Sentinel. This Joe’s name is Kinsey Probasco Associates of Chattanooga. They were awarded the contract to purchase the City assets at the Worlds Fair Site of the Candy Factory, the Sunsphere, and 7 Victorian houses.

KPA is being allowed by the City of Knoxville a “do over”. With the approval of the Haslam administration KPA has added $ 200,000 to their original proposal for the City assets. The reason as quoted in the KNS, KPA wishes to, “to invest an additional $200,000 to renovate the first floor the Emporium Building on Gay Street”. So does that mean it’s really a public service? For the betterment of the Arts Community?

KPA’s proposal offer for the 7 Victorian houses was originally $ 215,580. After City Council members commented about the price being so low that some of them would buy the houses at that price KPA decided to sweeten the pot but chose to say the extra monies were for the Emporium. The real estate firm Hop Bailey appraised the houses on an as-is, collective market value of $285,000. To add further embarrassment local attorney Albert Harb offered $380,000 cash for the seven Victorian houses.

According to Bill Lyons, the city’s senior director of policy development, “So really, they’re offering $415,000 for the Victorian houses”. Under some tortured logic it is seen as perfectly acceptable to change the rules after the other respondents for the RFP have been said goodbye to. Under even more tortured logic the money for the Emporium Building can also be counted towards the Victorian houses. Double mulligan. Sweet. Don’t play golf with the City; they will take your money.

When City Councilman Rob Frost asks why the City does not remove the Victorian houses from the RFP Lyons responded that by doing so would invalidate the original RFP and more importantly prevent the City from having any control over their use. Lyons was quoted saying, “”It could be a flop house, as long as they met code, there’s no control over the use.” Curious example isn’t it?

Rob Frost is a more than a little frosted about the whole deal. Frost was quoted in the KNS as asking, “If invalidating the RFP terms is a concern, asked Frost, then why weren’t the other eight firms who submitted proposals last fall allowed to amend their offers in light of the Kinsey Probasco plans for the Emporium?

That is a damn good question. Perhaps people should write their City Council members and ask that question. Here are the addresses.

I suppose a certain part of me — the same part of me, I trust, that is always suggesting ways to commit Pink Panther-style jewel heists and Heat-style armoured car robberies — always takes a little satisfaction that one can still throw a bribe in this society.

1. Correlation does not equal causation. But that doesn’t go far enough and apparently nothing causes anything. Seriously, guns don’t prevent crimes; tax cuts don’t affect the economy; water doesn’t cause wetness.

2. The phrases mean republicans and stupid democrats apparently pass for insightful commentary in some circles. More importantly, by uttering one of these phrases, you have won the debate.

3. A slight rip-off of Godwin’s Law, I introduce SayUncle’s Not-So-Much-A-Law-Really-But-Maybe-Just-General-Smarminess: As a blog discussion between a liberal and conservative grows longer, the probability of the phrase Well, Clinton . . . appearing approaches one.

4. Apparently, everything is a fallacy. But fallacies are also apparently fallacious. Which, therefore, makes all fallacies fallacy fallacies. As such, all arguments are therefore true. Or false. Or discredited. Or, you know, not so much.

5. If I engage you in an argument and you are a Republican/Democrat, then I must be a raving moonbat/extremist wingnut.

6. Similarly, if I am not a Republican, I must be a bunny-hugging liberal. Or if I am not a Democrat, I must be a right wing extremist.

7. To matter of factly prove my point, I only need one other person to agree with me. It helps if they have a syndicated column or a webpage.

8. People can Google up a webpage to prove anything. People can also Google up a webpage to disprove the thing you proved.

9. The word Nigger can either be racist or not, depending on who is using the word and in what context. However, the Confederate Flag is always racist no matter who displays it. As a result, there are a lot of racist museums.

10. If you want to keep the money you earn, you are greedy. If you want to pay taxes for essential services provided by the government, you are stupid.

11. All Republicans are greedy, mean-spirited pricks incapable of compassion.

12. All Democrats are stupid, illogical simpletons incapable of rational thought.

13. John McCain is not a greedy, mean-spirited prick incapable of compassion.

14. Zell Miller is not a stupid, illogical simpleton incapable of rational thought.

15. Taking the words written in the Constitution to mean what they say makes you an extremist.

16. If you disagree with a blogger and inform said blogger of such a disagreement in the comments section of their blog (which they provide in order to, you know, allow people to comment) then you are a troll. However, if you agree with said blogger and inform said blogger of such an agreement in the comments section of their blog, you offer insightful commentary.

17. If you are an absolutist with respect to the First Amendment, you are perfectly normal. However, if you are an absolutist with respect to the Second and Tenth Amendments, you are an extremist.

18. If you disagree with me, you must be an extremist.

19. If you can see things in black-and-white in any case, you are a simpleton. Or maybe an extremist.

20. If I initiate a debate with you, I am attacking you personally. However, if you engage me in a debate, then we’re just having a discussion.

So, what have you learned?

Update: Make it 21 things:

21. If I fail to mention something, I am wrong. As such, in this post I failed to mention a recipe for Italian wedding soup. I am therefore wrong.

Having moved into a new subdivision development has provided some interesting topics of discussion, such as the fact I am slowly annexing my neighbor’s yard through the use of strategic mowing. But I digress.

A house in the lot next to mine is well under way and it has caused me considerable grief. The following has occurred as a result of the construction:

When they were preparing the lot for framing, the pulled out some of my sod. When they finish placing sod next door, I plan on taking some of theirs to replace mine.

The bobcat driver dug up one of my sprinkler heads by mistake. I discovered this by turning on my sprinkler system and, to my surprise, a thirty foot column of water shot into the air. This annoyed me (and soaked my father in law). I bought a new sprinkler head and replaced it.

They have left various boards, cinder blocks, and assorted tools on my lawn. This has killed my grass in sections. Now, when I come home, I inspect the yard to make sure it is free of debris. They have also dumped clumps of dirt (from the bobcat) onto portions of my lawn, killing more of my grass.

Without my permission, they used my hose and my water. I wouldn’t mind but they lost the sprayer head for my hose (I figure it’s buried in the yard) and bent my hose in several spots.

The latest was last night. I’m preparing to mow and walk to my side yard and see an extension cord running from my outside outlet all the way across their lot. I follow the cord, and it just ends. Apparently, the got their equipment but left the cord. I then notice that there is no power hookup box on the lot. I assume that in addition to providing all the water needed for the house, I’ve also probably paid for all the electricity used to build the house.

I took the 100 foot extension cord, bundled it up, and placed it in my garage window for them to see. I want them to see that I have it and I want them to come get it. I may prepare a bill for them, I haven’t decided. I am currently content holding their extension cord hostage.

I am a petty man.

Just recently the news was filled with the echoing screams of the gun-grabbers who were so upset that the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act passed.

“This is a day in America when the little guy lost out to powerful special interests. The Senate has passed legislation that, if passed by the House and signed by the President, will lock the courthouse doors to gun violence victims,” said Brady Campaign President Michael Barnes in a statement.

“The legislation, if allowed to become law, will give the most irresponsible gun sellers in America a license to act more recklessly than ever before. It removes the one threat facing those gun sellers that look the other way and help supply the criminal market — that they will be taken to court and held accountable,” said Barnes.

“One irresponsible gun dealer says it ‘lost’ over 200 guns, some of which ended up killing people. That dealer gets immunity. One dealer sells 12 guns to a customer paying cash, police officers are shot with one of the guns, and that dealer gets immunity. This is nothing short of insanity,” added Barnes.

The problem is that the gun industry was not the only one that started to get protection from groups with messed up intentions.

Congress passed legislation last week that would do away with a law blamed for making car leases in New York the most expensive in the country.
The federal highway bill gets rid of “vicarious liability,” which holds car leasing and rental companies responsible when their automobiles are involved in accidents. Critics say the 81-year-old law, created to give protection to limousine and taxi passengers in the 1920s, has made leasing in New York difficult and expensive.
…………
But the law has cost banks millions in injury suits, and many refuse to provide lease arrangements in New York at all, critics say.

The New York State Automobile Dealers Association estimates leases cost an average $724 more in New York than in other states. With banks pulling out, car manufacturers have had to come up with more creative ways to arrange leases.

Few people heard about this little cash cow sucked dry by the lawyers.

Guys, I know some of my posts are repeats (wait til tomorrow, they’re pre-loaded). I’m on vacation. Geez.

To understand the importance of the Kinsey Probasco Associates contract with the City of Knoxville for the Market Square project you must first look at the proposal and the meetings the City had with KPA prior to issuing the KPA contract. There were two main components of the KPA sales pitch. First was the project would be a joint venture of public and private monies. Second, it would pay for itself by increasing sales tax revenues to the City.

When you look in the KPA proposal or the Will Malone report you see the City was to invest 41 million dollars in Market Square renovations, a movie theater, and a 348 space parking garage. That is a lot of taxpayer money. KPA was to invest 22 million dollars for 64 condos above the parking garage, tenant improvements to Market Square, and renovations to put condos and offices in the Amsouth and Charter Federal Buildings. The public money was invested but the private money was not.

In the sales tax projections section of the KPA proposal the City is to receive a sales tax surplus of $ 442,870 in year one, $ 871,197 in year two, and $ 1,070,456 in year three. You can read in the Will Malone report of 2002 to the City that Malone warned the City that KPA’s projections were inflated and were risky. KPA projected $ 328 sales per square foot but Malone warned that $ 125 sales per square foot were the realistic figure.

Now we understand how the sales pitch was made the question remains, why did the 22 million dollars of private investment that was the key component of this deal not make it onto the contract between the City of Knoxville and Kinsey Probasco Associates? Was this oversight, incompetence, or intervention?

Below is a listing of where you can find the KPA proposal and other documents about the Market Square project of 2002 to 2004.

If you are a member of k2k you can read these documents:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/k2k/files/marketsquare/

Will Malone Redevelopment Report

http://tinyurl.com/av5kw

KPA response for Market Square Proposal

http://tinyurl.com/8m8za

Market Square Advisory Board Final Report

http://tinyurl.com/7pful

Are we at last brought to such humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our defense? Where is the difference between having our arms in possession and under our direction, and having them under the management of Congress? If our defense be the real object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands? — Patrick Henry, 3 J. Elliot, Debates in the Several State Conventions 45, 2d ed. Philadelphia, 1836

Oprah Winfrey and Lifetime (Television that sucks) make a lot of money scaring the shit out of affluent white women. Yours truly was the victim of Oprah induced paranoia last night. A couple of days ago, Oprah had a show on cleanliness and how often one should clean. Me and the Mrs. (mostly the Mrs.) clean fairly regularly so I had no fears about it. Then, Oprah did the segment on dust mites in pillows and bed linens. I remember, as a kid, watching the TV show That’s Incredible who had a similar segment. It was creepy watching the little critters frolic in the threads of the fabric but, the fact is, they are harmless and are everywhere.

In typical Oprah fashion, this scared the Hell out of Mrs. Uncle. Yours truly had a particular goose feather pillow. I’ve had it since I was a kid. Granted, it’s probably too long to have the pillow but I loved it. It was worn in, comfy, and I always slept with it. The Mrs. even loved the pillow. In fact, when I’d come to bed after the Mrs., she often was lying on the pillow (which I would promptly take from her and this caused a few marital spats – don’t mess with my pillow).

The Mrs., knowing that I would not allow her to throw the pillow away or I would very likely divorce her if she did throw it away when I wasn’t looking, decide to wash the pillow. Yes, you can wash pillows so no worries. The Mrs. washes the pillow. She goes to take the pillow from the washer and I hear the words OH MY GOD. These were followed with some mumbling but I thought I heard the words kill me. At the time, I was unaware she was washing my favorite pillow. She says to me You’re going to kill me and explains that she was just trying to wash my pillow along with some other things.

I look in the washer and it looks like someone put a goose through a wood chipper (except without the blood that would be involved if you actually put a goose in a wood chipper). There were feathers everywhere. Apparently, you can wash pillows but you can’t wash fabric that is decades old. The liner of the pillow tore and the feathers spun around in the rinse cycle. I remain calm. I have a good laugh with the Mrs. about it and take a picture of the remains of my pillow (I may post it later) and tell her it’s OK and that I’m not going to kill her.

I curse Oprah’s name. My wife even mumbles something about Oprah. If I could have gotten my hands on Oprah, I’d have choked the bitch.

I reel from the shock of the fact my pillow cannot be salvaged only to realize that I have a washer full of feathers and clothes. SayUncle, who is somewhat familiar with the operation of a dryer, gets the idea that we’ll put the clothes in the dryer and the dryer vent will catch the feathers. Great idea. However, the vent filled up in about 2 seconds and burning feathers smell like burning hair. Bah.

Plan B consists of using my Shop Vac to get the feathers. This plan works but takes a while. After, I start the dryer again. It now wreaks of burning feathers and an overheating motor. If Oprah had cost me a new dryer, I’d be on my way to LA right now. I took the vent out of the dryer, disconnected the vent hose and vacuumed them out. I managed to save the dryer. The Mrs. vacuumed the laundry room. This took two and a half hours.

Oprah, on behalf of men who have had to suffer from Oprah induced paranoia, you can kiss my ass.

Update: Oprah is apparently in Chicago. I thought all TeeVee came from LA LA land. Shows how much I know about her. She can still kiss my ass.

There are a few things my loyal readers should know. One of which is that I have a penis. This is not a post about me having a particularly extraordinary penis but a report on how the penis affects thinking and cognition. Penis-bearing beings have several deficiencies but I’m only discussing one of those deficiencies today. Apparently, a penis affects visual capabilities, particularly color recognition. A human being with a penis can only distinguish about eight or so colors, even though according to Windows 2000 there are at least 24 million colors (all of which are distinguishable to entities that do not have penises). More interesting is the fact that the amount of time devoted to the penis is inversely proportionate to the number of colors distinguishable. For example, my pup spends a great deal of his time engaging in the following activities:

Showing his penis to our other dog.
Showing his penis to me and the wife.
Sniffing his penis.
Showing his penis to any strangers that may be near.
Licking his penis.
Pointing his penis in the direction of the Sun.

The result of all this attention to his penis is that he only sees in black and white. My conclusion is not based on any scientific evidence but merely the fact that he seems not at all impressed by my 60 inch color television. A friend of mine used to have a Labrador. This Labrador was not particularly smart as he could do only one trick. The command for this trick was Show me your dude and I’ll let you guess what followed. Later this Labrador was hit by a car and I’m convinced that the reason he was hit by a car was because he was completely blind from showing people his dude all the time (even the neighborhood kids picked up on it).

This past weekend, the wife and I cancelled our vacation (damn SARS!) and decided to spend our time painting the master bedroom and the master bath. I hate painting for two reasons: 1) I don’t enjoy it and 2) I suck at it. If you’re marriage can survive the painting experience, you will enjoy a long life together. If not, one of you will be dead.

Prior to this weekend, our master bedroom was a color called China Doll. Now, every penis-bearing person reading this is thinking China Doll is not a color, it’s an oriental figurine or the name of a porn star. See, China Doll is a very, very light shade of brown or possibly a dark shade of white. There is some debate in the scientific world of color evaluation as to what color it really is. We (and by we, I mean the wife) decided that we needed to change from China Doll to Apple Butter. Again, penis-bearing individuals are thinking that Apple Butter is something you put on biscuits or the name of a porn star. Apple Butter is a slightly darker shade of brown (or possibly white, we’re still not sure) than China Doll.

Also confusing to penis-laden individuals is why there is a need to change one shade of brown (or possibly white) to a slightly different shade of brown (or possibly white). The reason for this is only known to non-penis-laden individuals. After the wife made the first stroke with the roller, I said I can’t see the difference and her response was You’re blind.

This time, the wife and I managed to paint two rooms without getting divorced or killing each other. The last time we painted, we were at each others’ throats the entire time. It got so bad that I pondered whether or not a psychiatrist could convincingly testify in court to the fact that inhalation of paint fumes combined with indistinguishable shades of brown (or possibly white) could cause temporary insanity in particular penis-bearing individuals.

Next up was the bathroom (which was China Doll as well). The new color for the bathroom is Savannah Moss, which again penis-bearing individuals are thinking That’s not a color, that’s a fungus in Georgia or a porn star. Savannah Moss is light shade of green (or possibly white). This time, however, I could distinctly see the difference between Savannah Moss and China Doll.

Next weekend, the wife and I need two new porn stars to do the guest rooms.

#5 is up. Give it a read.

Can life get any better? I have always said that there are so many gun laws that it is impossible not to be breaking them. So what do you do when the courts demand that you break them or go to jail? One person found out.

An Alton woman embroiled in a divorce case spent more than four hours in jail for contempt of court after she refused a Madison County’s judge’s order to return a handgun to her ex-husband, a convicted felon.

Elizabeth “Beth” Ritchie, 30, said that complying with Associate Judge Ellar Duff’s order, delivered at a hearing on Thursday, would have required Ritchie to commit a crime herself.

It is a felony in Illinois for a felon to possess a firearm, and for anyone to transfer a gun to a felon.

Duff said in an interview Friday that she did not learn until after the hearing that Ritchie’s ex-husband was a felon, and that she then ordered Beth Ritchie released from the Madison County Jail.

Now the judge is not happy being in the spotlight.

“This was a disgruntled person who flat out refused, blatantly and disrespectfully in open court, to comply with a court order,” Duff said.

When asked whether Duff knew that complying with the order would constitute a crime, the judge said she did not know that Tim Ritchie was a convicted felon.

“That did not come out in open court. If they said it did, they are liars,” Duff said.

When asked whether a court reporter had been present at the hearing, so that a transcript could determine whether Ritchie and her father were, indeed, liars, Duff said, “I never said they were liars. You’re twisting my words.”

Judicial crow. It’s what’s for Dinner.

Just poking around the internets today, I came across a site called NCGUN. It’s sort of a blog plus mailing list dedicated to providing “information to NC residents on gun ownership, legal concealed carry, the Second Amendment, and any other issues affecting your right to keep and bear arms in North Carolina.”

A recent post on NCGUN responds to a News-Observer opinion piece by Lisa Price, in regards the recent lawsuit-immunity bill. Mrs. Price is the wife of Congressman David Price, who represents me in Washington. She is also director of North Carolinians Against Gun Violence. So you can probably guess where she stands on this issue.

Anyway, I’m late to the party as usual, but I’m going to sign up for the mailing lists at this site. Keep up the good work, NCGUN!

In the final days of South Knox Bubba’s blog a thread concerning the Worlds Fair Site project in Knoxville was generating a lot of attention. The controversy was whether Kinsey Probasco Associates of Chattanooga should be allowed to purchase City assets of the Candy Factory, The Sunsphere, and 7 Victorian homes next to the Candy Factory. KPA had done the work on the 2002/2045 Market Square project but had not kept their commitment to invest 22 million dollars of private investment in condos and offices around the Market Square.

KPA submitted the winning proposal for the purchase of the assets at the Worlds Fair Site but at the first workshop people objected because KPA did not follow through with the key part of the private investment for the Market Square project. A study was presented from Will Malone who had done consulting with the City back in 2002 for the Market Square project. More about that study later. Others objected that the Candy Factory was a unique meeting center in downtown Knoxville that served the arts community and many other groups that would have difficulty is finding meetings spaces. When it was learned that the 7 Victorian houses were only being valued at $ 31,000.00 each members of City Council said they would buy the homes for that price. People including State Rep. Stacey Campfield started sending in unsolicited cash offers to KCDC for the Victorian Homes.

I want to look at the process that was used for selecting KPA on the Market Square project and find out what happened. Some where between the proposal phase and the contract phase the requirement for the 22 million dollars of private investment fell through the cracks. That is not good government. The taxpayers need for someone to dig a little deeper.

Hello, my name is # 9. I will be writing about local Knoxville and Knox County issues here at Say Uncle.

For those of you that read South Knox Bubba’s blog you may already know me. For readers of www.knoxblab.com you may have read my topics in the Knoxville Politics forum titled “Troublemakers”. I write about local issues that mostly center on Knoxville and Knox County government decisions. My writing is about issues that are not covered or are sparsely covered in local newspapers. From time to time I am a local media critic.

My goal is that others will make the decision to become citizen journalists so that the playing field of local and national issues may be level. Mainstream media has let us down and the lack of information and the slanting of information affects our ability as voters to make informed decisions.

If your have read the Federalist Papers you will understand my pseudonymous name. One of my favorite quotes is from one of the Federalist Papers authors John Jay, “No power on earth has a right to take our property from us without our consent.”

[This is an adaptation of a post from my blog.]

Barry Myers, always the bagman now and never the rising star anymore, has changed plea in the Tennessee Waltz investigation. He will plead guilty to two charges having to do with extortion and, in exchange, all the other charges (nine in all) will be dropped. The Commercial Appeal also has the story. His attorney said that the enormous amount of video evidence “is what it is” and they couldn’t fight it.

I think the main thing is that you don’t get these kinds of plea deals unless you give up a lot in return. Roscoe Dixon and Kathryn Bowers are probably sweating bullets tonight. Before the press slapped him with the “bagman” label, Myers was a protege of Dixon and Bowers. He was even in line to get run for Bowers’ old House seat. If there was malfeasance, Myers would be the guy to know. And now he owes the Federal prosecutors.

If they offered the deal now, prosecutors must be satisfied that his information is worthwhile. Whether this speeds up the handing down of indictments to more people — rumored since the day Tennessee Waltz broke — is an open question. I wouldn’t want to be a Democratic leader tonight.

UPDATE MONDAY 11PM: All the television news stations have reports now, but there’s no new information. The only extra that I’ve learned is what I posted in comments. Myers will cop to the conspiracy charges, which will strengthen the State’s cases against Dixon and Bowers.

LeftWing Cracker sounds some fearful notes. He’s worried about the Republican attack ads to come. That’s true, but I’m quite sure the Democrats will find every impropriety Republicans commit, like in the post down below this, and blare those too. By the time the election rolls around, I think most Tenneesseans will sick of their State government and be ready to chuck all of them, lock, stock and barrel.

After all, saturated bombing only leaves scorched earth.

UPDATE MIDNIGHT MONDAY: Oops! Missed one. Darrell Phillips has some behind the scenes information, as well as the familiar “more indictments are coming” refrain.

UPDATE TUESDAY MORNING: Thaddeus Matthews offers some personal observations and a warning. Keep an eye on his blog today, as he’s promising something about Harold Ford Jr later.

It’s me, Half-Bakered (Mike Hollihan), guest blogging for Uncle while he vacates himself to more relaxing places. Thanks to Unc for welcoming me back.

The new movie Hustle & Flow, made by local-boy-made-good Craig Brewer, has drawn a lot of debate in Memphis for its depiction of the underside of the city. Many civic and political elites think it presents a “negative” image of the City of Good Commodes Abode. What it really is, is an honest and heartfelt view of the life of our underclass.

I’ve been blogging about my experiences living in and around that underclass for a while now. I’ll leave you with some chronological links to peruse:

It Happened on Monroe Stree — the post that started it all.

The Follow-up Post

An Update

Neighborhood Strangeness

An Impassioned Rant with Lots of Details

More, About my Neighbors

The Local Paper’s Editor in Chief Doesn’t Get It

I hope to do a review of Hustle & Flow later today.

The Commissar on Bush’s push to teach intelligent design in school:

Sheesh. Trying to prove the Dems right, one stupid f*cking statement at a time.

They lie. Then, they get caught lying. And then:

BEFORE:

“How to Fake News … it can’t be verified … I couldn’t find [Bronx News] thru Google … Bronx News which may or may not exist … the elusive Bronx News …”

AFTER:

“I never said this was fake news nor that the Bronx News didn’t exist. I only said that the drooling, knee-jerking, pathetic, desperate, abusive Kool-aid-drinking twits were engaged in a circle-jerk based on a rinky-dink newspaper’s undersourced report.”

Oh .. okay. That’s very rational and reasoned.

Barbara also resorts to the “cowardice of the stupid and the wrong” — deleting comments. She’s just another Paul at Wizbang, beneath contempt.

Sadly, they seem too happy to do it. In response to Dean lying about the Kelo case, some commentator at Kos:

I’m 100% behind it. Why? Because it resonates, and I’m perfectly willing to go for a false statement that illustrates a truth.

The GOP is the party of Big Business. Big Business (business in general) is who benefitted from the Kelo case.

So, frankly, I say it’s a great line of attack. Screw accuracy — remind people that now big business can take their homes away to make a shopping mall, and that’s A-okay by the GOP.

Lying liars and the lying liars who lie about lying about lying about lying liars. Or fake but accurate. Or something. Rather proves the old saying:

The first thing a man will do for his ideals is lie.

Les on Air America:

Embezzlement and the Embezzling Embezzlers Who Embezzle

TriggerFinger has the skinny a supposed gun group that has many anti-gun ties. Dirty pool. I did a whois and the site is registered to dcs. No contact info.

Update: David Codrea has more. He also notes:

Actually, the contact is one Joshua Fryday. DCS is a democrat political consulting group. Their “client” list is a gun control nightmare.

Update 2: Countertop has more. Worth noting is that the group is connected to Harold Ford, Jr.

The owners of two Blount County adult-oriented businesses have been indicted.

The Blount County grand jury indicted two business owners Monday on charges of operating adult-oriented businesses without a license.

Donald Ray Wilson, 54, East Lamar Alexander Parkway, Walland, and David E. Anderson, 42, Sevierville, were each cited twice by the Blount County Sheriff’s Office in February 2005 on the charge of operating without a license, according to the indictments.

Wilson owns Pure Pleasure Video, 4541 East Lamar Alexander Parkway, in Walland, and Anderson owns Sunshyne Video Two, 3531 U.S. 411 South, Maryville.

Anderson wasn’t surprised by the indictments. The citations he said were an attempt to force him to close his business.

“It was a direct effort to try and shut me down,” said Anderson. “It had nothing to do with what was right and what was wrong.”

The Blount County Adult-Oriented Establishment Board denied both Wilson and Anderson’s requests for operating licenses April 1, 2005, for not meeting county zoning regulations related to their businesses. The board reversed the decision the same month and granted the licenses.

I’ve covered this for a while. Basically, this sham of a board appears to have been set up specifically for the purpose of shutting down existing adult businesses. The good ol’ boys, with their religion and superior morals on their side, don’t want you or anyone else looking at dirty pictures. I don’t know that this sham of a board has actually approved anyone. And it probably won’t because that’s not its purpose. If you want more proof that it’s a sham, the article also states:

If convicted, Anderson said he’ll get a $50 fine, a misdemeanor.

“They spent, literally, thousands of dollars on a $50 citation,” he said.

Yes, with all the other things happening in the County (like the fact the population is outgrowing the schools), it’s good to see that they’re willing to spend thousands of my bucks to stop an adult, who is capable of deciding for himself, from looking at nekkid pictures of people doing it.

Shame on the county.

Now video games. Congress wants to regulate video games. Apparently, the one thing Hillary Clinton and Republicans can agree on is that the .gov needs to be involved in everything.

Say, is this the Democrat shift to the middle in action?

The NRA is heading a boycott of ConocoPhillips for, well, I don’t know why but I think it has to do with guns in cars.

The Feds have rounded up 582 alleged gang members:

Federal authorities arrested 582 alleged gang members over a two-week period, officials said Monday, targeting an estimated 80 violent groups they say have spawned street crimes across the country.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff called the gangs “a threat to our homeland security and … a very urgent law enforcement priority.”

Investigators picked up most of the offenders between July 16 and July 28 on immigration violations for being in the United States illegally. Seventy-six face criminal charges, ranging from illegal possession of a firearm to holding fraudulent documents.

Not bad, if you ask me. However, I wonder why this effort is headed by the Department of Homeland Security. Seems to me to be an immigration issue.