Unclisms
But I loves the similes too
Bruce called me out in comments:
I’m afraid I have to issue you a HARP citation (Humorous Analogy Repetition Penalty). Only 16 days separate this post from your most recent use of the the “cock-flavored lollipop” analogy. As good as it may be – the analogy, that it is, not the confection – Blogging Etiquette guideline #241.5/e calls for a full 30-day cool-down period between such posts.
Well, when you get up to over 8,000 posts, you’re bound to repeat yourself. Plus, there are plenty of similes, analogies and other lame sayings that I like to use. Such as (and, no, they’re not all similes):
Like a monkey fucking a football – something odd looking or a task performed with great ineptitude
Dumber than a soup sandwich – self explanatory
You can’t polish a turd – to describe putting positive spin on bad news
Bonus: From the Bloodhound Gang and hard to use in conversation: Like a Kenny Loggins’ record no one’s ever gonna to hear you and Like the Jim Jones Cult, I’ll take you out with a punch.
So, what are your favorites?
April 13th, 2006 at 9:27 am
“Like a monkey fucking a football”
I have been told that this is a racist statement. Don’t ask me why; I don’t know, but just wanted to give you a head’s up.
It came up a long time ago when I was describing myself attempting to ride a Kawasaki Ninja 250. It’s a very small bike, and I’m a very big guy, and I commented to a biker friend that I looked “like a monkey fucking a football”. He chided me for using a racist term (he’s from MD and apparently that’s far enough south that he knows all the racist terms, :rolleyes). I was stunned – I had heard my grandfather use that term dozens of times, and never with any sort of racist overtones…
As far as colorful analogies, I’m partial to the classics:
“Couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of 20s” or the more colorful variant “Couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a fistful of pardons”.
“Doesn’t have the common sense that G-d gave gravel”
“A couple burgers shy of a Happy Meal”
“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer” or “Not the sharpest tool in the shed”.
Now I’ve gotta think about some more…
April 13th, 2006 at 9:50 am
I picked up on the exclamation “Jesus Christ on a pogo stick!” from Kevin.
I also like “Dumber than a sack of hammers,” and “About a sharp as a stack of wet napkins” for dumb people.
Another favorite is a spanish expression that I picked up from an Argentinian coworker: “Mas peligroso que mono con pistola.” Or just “mono con pistola” for short.
And then there’s what I lovingly refer to as “Girsching” something — in the general it’s when you botch something so incredibly easy that anyone could do it (needless to say, I do this often). In the true, original sense, it’s when you’re playing a sport and you blow an easy catch — drop a routine fly ball in baseball; drop a perfect pass when you’re wide open in football; etc. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself, you’ve got no right to laugh at anyone else.
I’d get into blogger-names-as-verbs, but that’d be getting too far off topic.
April 13th, 2006 at 9:52 am
Ooh, ooh! From Ace Ventura:
The gates are down, and the lights are flashing, but the train ain’t coming.
April 13th, 2006 at 10:38 am
Foghorn Leghorn has some really good ones:
“That boy’s about as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal…”
“It’s sure – I say – it’s sure quiet around here. You can hear a caterpillar sneakin’ across a moss bed in tennis shoes. Sneakers, that is…”
“Nice boy, but he’s got more nerve than a bum tooth…”
“Boy’s got a mouth like a cannon, always shootin’ it off…”
“This boy’s more mixed up than a feather in a whirl-wind…”
“Boy, you cover about as much as a flapper’s skirt in a high wind…”
“Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice…”
“That kid’s about as sharp as a pound of wet liver…”
(Yes, I have all these as sound files) 🙂
April 13th, 2006 at 10:59 am
Working harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor.
April 13th, 2006 at 11:52 am
“You can’t embarrass a flatulent skunk…” I was using this long before I ever heard of Bill Clinton.
April 13th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
hot as a whorehouse on nickle night
April 13th, 2006 at 5:06 pm
“She’s got a nice body, but her face looks like it got hit with a bag of hot nickels.”
April 13th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
“Slicker than snot on a doorknob”
And one you don’t hear much outside the Army:
“That’s wronger than two boys f*ckin’ on a church lawn on Sunday.”
April 13th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
That’s about as useful as a screendoor on space capsule [or a submarine, if you prefer].
April 13th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
“Don’t put a dog turd on my plate and tell me it’s a taco” (told to an ex-employer)
“Uglier’n home-made sin riding on a crippled spider”
“Nastier’n a microwaved booger”
April 14th, 2006 at 1:38 am
Any dumber and he’d have to be watered twice a week.
Like a monkey doing a math problem.
He’s as useful as dialogue in a porno.
April 14th, 2006 at 8:49 am
Uglier than the back side of a mud fence.
Uglier than homemade sin. (Which is apparently uglier than the store-bought variety.)
Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.
That boy’s got a face that would scatter a leper colony.
That’s as dumb as a kickstand on a tank.
She’s dumber than an acre of fungus.
She’s so skinny ’cause she’s not smart enough to remember which end of the spoon goes in her mouth.
April 14th, 2006 at 11:36 am
“She can suck a ping pong ball thru twenty feet of garden hose” or “suck-start a 747” – self-explainatory
“Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s rainin’ ” – generally refers to politicians
April 14th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
I, too, was under the impression that monkey fucking a football was used exclusively to refer to large men on small motorcycles (the football being the gas tank). Never heard it has racist connotations, or that it could be used in non motorcycle situations. There aren’t enough expressions to describe big men on small scoots, so let’s not ruin or dilute this one, ok?