You guys were right. I researched and found out there is a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. In fact it’s incorporated as NFP organization under IRS code 504(d). They have their meetings on Thursdays (when the rest of the world is watching Friends). Last night, I was stealthy enough to sneak in and obtain the meeting minutes from Administrative Secretary, Carol Channing. The agenda is quite scary. Here it is:

Meeting minutes from the monthly East Tennessee Branch of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (VRWC)

8:00 Agenda briefing given by Ollie North. Ollie then gave a brief summary of the Orbital Mind Control Laser™ project, and all is going as planned. We dropped the previous codename: FoxNews.

8:05 Opening prayer to the Lord of Darkness led by Cardinal Law.

8:10 McCain warned to stop being such a nice guy or we’d stop inviting him. McCain wanted to know where is gas & oil kickbacks were, else his antics would continue.

9:00 Cheney’s speech on how to make the world a worse place to live. Options include repealing all environmental legislation, kicking single mothers in their shins, drilling in Alaska, shaving puppies, throwing Alka-Seltzer to seagulls, and putting land mines in Afghanistan. Finally, it was decided we’d schedule a wave of child abductions on the West Coast. Bush Senior of course had a hard-on for re-invading Iraq.

9:30 Ann Coulter reveals the results of her objective study and scientifically concludes that Rosie O’Donnell is in fact a big fat bitch.

9:45 Rush gives 3,427 more things that are in fact Bill Clinton’s fault. Murdoch promises to leak them all to Fox News over time. Highlights include: that children stop believing in Santa at an earlier age, all the gum people spit on the sidewalk was ordered to be placed there by Clinton, and the popularity of comedian Carrot Top.

10:00 Motion to start planting crop circles approved, this will keep the white trash from talking about us, since the Orbital Mind Control Lasers™ won’t penetrate their little foil hats.

10:05 Coffee Break

10:20 VRWC prize for Excellence in Service (and some WorldCom and Enron stock) awarded to Ralph Nader.

10:45 Dubya thanks Bin Laden for giving him advance notice of the attacks on 9/11. Osama has a spiffy new haircut and plans on retiring and moving to Fiji.

11:00 Debated whether we should finally tell the whole of Europe: ‘No, we in fact don’t really give a fuck what you think.’ Motion struck down by a narrow margin, McCain’s annoyance continues.

12:00 Three martini lunch

1:00 Buchanan AGAIN suggests we invade France.

1:15 Murdoch reports figures that conclude he will have a monopoly over all news media by 2017, assuming AOLTimeWarner accounting irregularities continue to come to light.

1:30 By a narrow margin, it was decided that we should not level Palestine (the timing just ain’t right and it gives us something to talk about).

1:45 Considered Constitutional Amendment banning all other Amendments. Motion failed ‘cause McCain is such an ankle biter.

2:00 Nap time, lead by Strom Thurmond. (It was supposed to be a speech on why we should continue driving slow in the fast lane and waiting until the last minute to merge).

2:30 Hit contracted on frequent Metroblabber Old Hickory, who is on to us. Hillary Clinton has been on to us for years but the public largely dismisses her claim due to her perceived scorn from her husband’s infidelity. No action on Hillary’s part planned yet.

2:45 Motion passed to de-regulate all industries, starting with dangerous ones first. Detailed work plan coming soon. First step is giving firearms to children over the age of three.

3:30 Developing plan to get rid of Hispanic voters who are causing a Democratic shift in the voting populace. Plan offered by David Duke includes: Placing soap in voting booths, declaring election day ‘National Siesta Day,’ and having ‘Donkey Shows’ in every other voting booth. Our Office of Stereotyping and Blaxploitation (headed by Clarence Thomas) is reviewing if these tactics are plausible.

4:00 Katherine Harris details by State which Secretaries of State would be willing to rig future elections. Further, she confirms (contrary to a USA Today study) Gore in fact would have ‘kicked Dubya’s lily-white ass’ in a real election.

4:30 Closing comments by Reagan incomprehensible, something about a thousand points of Betty White.

5:00 Adjourned.

The great SKB also did some investigating on his own to uncover the Central Planning Politburo.

Posted in uncategorized on August 30th, 2002 by SayUncle | RSS 2.0 |