The Porn Store
You don’t know how many times this happens to me. Someone is giving me directions somewhere. And they say something like take 129 South from 411. Or You know, where Old Niles Ferry crosses 129 South. And I’ll say Huh? No idea what you’re talking about. And then they’ll say something like You know, take 411. There’s a light by a Citgo station. Make a left there.
And then it hits me: They mean make a left at the porn store. And then I say Oh, you mean make a left at the porn store. They look at me perplexed, as if they never noticed it was there. And I usually say something like How can you miss it? It’s got signs like 30 feet tall that say X X X ADULT SUPERSTORE and ADULTS ONLY and until recently it was painted bright red?
You know, when I mention the porn store, I’m not saying that you go there. I’m just pointing out that it’s a big landmark and it’s impossible for you to not know that it is there. So, why are you acting that way? Are my fellow Maryvillians so uptight that they can’t even acknowledge the porn store?
Any way, it always cracks me up.
BTW, I’ve talked about our local porn store before and his fight with the local authorities. See posts here. Turns out, the old owner has sold it because now the big signs that say X X X ADULT SUPERSTORE now have NEW OWNER plastered on them. And the new owners put up siding and stone as opposed to the former bright red paint. It almost looks respectable. Or at least, less offensive.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I hate these places, but I wouldn’t want to live in a country which prohibited them.
On a related matter, it is rather ironic that so much First Amendment law is made by people like Larry Flynt.
Similarly, I don’t think that I would like to commiserate with Ernesto Miranda (who has a rather famous case, Miranda v. Arizona, which bears his name), but his case gave the SCOTUS the opportunity to enunciate an important Constitutional principle.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Bitter is amused by the fact that there’s a porn store in my town. Right up the street from the gun shop actually. Want to guess which one looks busier? 🙂 Apparently there are more deviated preverts in my town than gun owners.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:37 pm
You’re from Maryville? We used to own a house about four miles out of Gatlinburg in the mountains.
Directions here, well, forget it. “That’s in Bald Eagle Valley,” instead of, you know, an actual town name. Or “You head over Tussey Mountain . . .” and I have to stop them. The Alleghenies are continuous ridges. I’ve lived here for over three years, and other than Mt Nittany, I can’t figure out how they know where one mountain ends and another begins. I know where the Tussey Mtn Ridge is, but Tussey Mountain? What part of the ridge is that? And people here don’t know that directions really mean something, since all the roads are at a 45 degree angle cause that’s the way the mountains run; directions here mean nothing more than what’s printed on the street sign.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I am indeed in Maryville.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I kind of liked navigating on Holloman Air Force Base…
“Take a left at the light and…”
“Which light?”
“There’s only one light on base.”
May 1st, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Directions to my house always include “turn left at the light with the giant blue strip club”, because, well, it’s obvious.
Oddly, though it’s only a few blocks away and I’ve lived there for nearly 10 years, I’ve never gone inside. (And I’ve gone inside more than one such place in my time, so that’s not it.)
May 1st, 2008 at 5:34 pm
heh
I’ve got two porn stores in my town – but considering McLean is home to the prostitutes from DC, thats no surprising.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I once was given directions to “turn at the next past the tree where the big white dog was run over a few years ago.”
the guy looked at me like I was the one that was nuts when I asked “Is the dog still there?”
Since I was from out of state and had never made the acquaintance of the ill-fated big white dog, I didn’t see how I would know which tree he was peeing on when he was hit, unless he was still laying in the street.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Also, once had a guy tell me to turn left two miles before I saw the big billboard for some car dealership.
Those people giving you directions may not have actually noticed the porn store, if they are like most direction givers.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Are you talking about the porn store on the way to the airport? Its been almost 10 years since I’ve been in Knoxville and I still remember that one.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 am
since we have the most porn stores per capita in my city, i’m not sure how effective it would be..
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 am
Manish, I think that was an asian massage joint and it was closed down. I always laughed when I’d come in at 3 in the morning from a business trip and that place was still open. The porn store is past Maryville proper and heading toward loudon county.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Funny thing is – my college band had a show at a buddy’s house party, which happened to be above the storefronts of “downtown” LaCrosse, WI. We were trying to give people directions to get there, and ran into the same thing.
“Okay, you know where the pawnshop is? It’s right above it, just go to the alley and…”
“Wait, pawn shop?”
“Yeah and there is a record store right next to it, so if you just…”
“Okay, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
” Okay, do you know where the porn shop is?”
“Oh, yeah – is that the alley you’re talking about?”
“Yeah, and there’s a parking lot…”
“Right there behind it, okay yeah – I know that place. Just up the stairs, there, huh?”
So our band subsequently wrote a song called “Everybody Knows Where the Porn Shop’s At.” It’s funky, and I sing falsetto for the chorus. The band I’m with now pulls it out from time to time…